HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU: How to bake your very own ‘topical’ news quiz.


Back in the dark days before the internet, RM used to be a regular viewer of the propaganda programming known as Have I got news for you.  Twenty years ago it was pretty much as close as the Bread Beer Circus got to putting out a regular dose of geopolitical satire.

Now, it exists as an overblown shadow of its former self. As the licenced ‘comedian’ Paul Merton and the statist ‘journalist’ Ian Hislop have slipped into fatter, middle-aged and accordingly more conventional roles, so the programme has diminished in quality to the point where it is now a mirror of how dumbed down the TV viewing populace of the country falsely known as the United Kingdom (PLC)  has become.

These days, Merton and Hislop preside over a steady stream of shallow gossip, innuendo and celebrity dominated nonsense. In the past it has featured notable paedophiles (Jimmy Savile) , corrupt politicians (Ian Hamilton for one but there is a long list) and a  psychopathic liars (Alistair Campbell) but these cunts may be too bitter for the viewer’s taste nowadays.

The recipe, a tried and tested one for programming of this ilk, is this:

A familiar red and blue studio, host in the middle, ‘teams’ to left and right of him, each sat behind a bowed shared desk.


One host, usually male, between 35 and 70 years of age.

Two familiar and dependable ‘captains’, the salt and pepper of the recipe, to be used liberally.

Two guests drawn from the well-stocked human fishery pools of licenced comedy, pretend journalism and phony politics.

A light sprinkling of aspartame ladened celebrity ‘news’.

A heaped desert spoon of tired, jaded and shallow ‘jokes’

A studio audience of 100 souls whose lives are so wrought with frustrations caused by things called ‘jobs’, dead promises (mortgages) and other forms of virtual financial enslavement and therefore so shafted in every aspect of their lives, that they readily swallow the ‘light relief’ of the diluted commentary from those two ‘institutions’ known as M&H.


Blend them in a High Definition goldfish bowl with an MI5 approved safe pair of director’s hands (wear latex gloves so culpability may be denied later due to absence of fingerprints) until soft and malleable but not too gloopy.

Add some dried fruits in the form of cartoon opening titles.

Should any lumpy bits emerge, blend them in with a wooden spoon of inanity and use a tablespoon full of fluoridated water, then mix in half a bottle of SSOSI (staple syrup of soulless inconsequence).

Bake under studio lights at mark 6 on the a-musement setting for around one hour.

Sprinkle with canned fluoridated laughter

Allow to stand before removing the crusty parts (editing) that may cause the morally corrupt government mouthpiece (BBC) some difficulty within the fictional ‘legal’ system.

Offer it up to MI5 Chef for tasting.

When approved,

Serve the whole fetid dish on a bed of lies, with a side order of curly brain potato wedges, top off with a walnut whipped piece of shit and dish it out to the hungry diners.


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